The Struggle is a Blessing: A New Outlook on Infertility

So most of y'all know about my struggle with infertility. If you are my friend on Facebook, go to church with me or are friends with me in any capacity, you know how hard I've taken it. I have been broken. Broken beyond belief. I cried out to God and asked why. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? I tried to live by Your Word. I wasn't perfect, but I tried to live for You. I was made fun of for it, I wasn't popular in high school because of it, and now, it feels as if Your punishing me. 

I started to really search my heart when those thoughts consumed my prayers. I didn't want to be that way. I loved God, He's been so good to me, so I knew there had to be a reason behind this valley in my life. I searched my heart, prayed for guidance, and studied The Word, and what I found blew my mind.

It hit me one Sunday morning, like a ton of red bricks. I quickly opened my Bible and started turning to read about all of these great women of faith. 

First, I turned to Genesis to read about Sarah (Genesis chapters 12, 15, 16, 17, 18, and 21). The Bible said that Sarah was barren (Gen 11:31), and then it goes on to tell us that God told Abraham that he would make a great nation. Years pass and through the story, you see Abraham asking God and God promises Abraham children. Finally, we see in chapter 21, Sarah has a child, even though they thought they were too old to have children, God gave them Isaac. How awesome is that? Even after Sarah laughed at the thought of being old and having a child, God still gave her the desire of her heart! He even asked her in Genesis 18:14: "Is any thing too hard for the Lord?" My response, "NO! It's not!"

Then I thought of Rebekah, Isaac's wife (Gen 25). I'm certain Sarah and Abraham told Isaac the story of his miraculous conception, so I'm sure he knew that God could give Rebekah a child. He prayed to God on behalf of Rebekah. God came to her and told her she had two nations in her womb! And when it came time to deliver her miracle babies, sure enough she had twins! She names them Jacob and Esau. Rebekah went from being barren to having TWINS. God doubled her blessing.

The next woman that came to mind, was Rachel (Genesis 29:31, 30). I love the story of Rachel, and I often refer to her story when I'm having a hard time dealing with infertility. Rachel was Jacob's wife. She became barren, and then she became jealous of her sister, Leah, because she could have children. Rachel kept being faithful to her God and her husband, and God remembered her (my favorite part, Gen 30:22). She gave birth to Joseph and later, Benjamin. If we are faithful, God will remember us! That gives me so much hope!

You can't think of infertility without thinking about Hannah (1st Samuel 1). Hannah's story starts out by telling us that her womb was shut up by the Lord. She went though bitterness, and prayed until the Lord finally gave her what her heart so longed for: a man child. Hannah gave thanks for her son, Samuel, and gave him back to the Lord. How beautiful. The Lord gave her want she wanted more than anything, and she surrendered it all back to Him.

And the last woman I thought of was Elizabeth (Luke 1). Elizabeth was barren and old in age, but God put the fore runner of Christ in her womb, John the Baptist.

I came to one conclusion while studying these women and their infertility: God has a plan. I've heard all my life that God has a plan, and I believe it with my whole heart, but during this trying time, I just didn't understand why this was happening.

I read those passages and saw that there WAS a purpose for their infertility, although, I'm sure they didn't see that at the time. God used each of their children for a very specific purpose. He needed them to have the right children at the right time.

Every person has a specific calling in life, every child is precious, and every child is perfectly timed. As badly as I want a child, right now isn't the time for us. God has a greater calling for us and our child. I love knowing what's going on, why its happening, and when something will happen... Basically I want to control my life. This experience (I'm calling it an experience because I fully believe and hope that God is going to give Jonathan and I a beautiful baby, maybe even twins) has taught me to let go and let God. It sounds cliché, I know, but it's true. We spend so much time planning our lives right down to the last detail, that we forget that we are made for a bigger purpose. When someone gets pregnant unexpectedly, we all rejoice over the blessing God sent, but when God shuts up someone's womb, we ignore the major miracle God can preform!

I guess what it comes down to is this: things aren't going to go our way all the time, but will we still love God with everything within us? Will we trust that His timing is perfect? Or will we let bitterness and jealousy over take us? The choice is ours, and it's a daily battle. It's not going to be easy to let go and let God, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that it is worth it.

To my infertile sisters: I'm praying for you, the struggle is real and often ignored because it's an uncomfortable subject. Keep your faith!

To anyone who reads this that isn't infertile: you likely have someone in your life that IS infertile whether they say so or not, please don't make infertility a taboo subject. Encourage those you know who are unable to have children, all you have to do is tell them that you are praying for them (make sure you follow though). I know it's hard to understand something when you've never been through it, but literally the best thing you can do is hug them, pray for them and let them know you care.

“He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the Lord.” Psalms 113:9 KJV

Here's a link to a video that gets me every time. Love it. 

http://youtu.be/ARy_6iGIRNE

Struggling On Mother's Day: The Thoughts of The Childless

Everyone knows Mother's Day can be hard for some women. I learned this year just how hard it can be.

Can I be absolutely honest right now? I really don't think that I have ever cried as much as I did this past Sunday. I've never been hurt by well-meaning people as much as I was on Sunday. I've never felt so lonely in a church full of people. I've never felt as worthless as I did on Mother's Day 2015.

If you've never experienced infertility, then you probably think I am being dramatic, but if you've been in this dark valley before, you know that I'm not. 

When I woke up Sunday morning, I woke up with sadness in my heart. I knew what day it was: Mother's Day. I could barely drag myself out of bed. Only a few months prior to that day I had found out that my body wasn't functioning correctly, which meant that I couldn't get pregnant, at least not without the help of a specialist (and even that may not work).

I rolled out of bed, and went into the bathroom, and took a pregnancy test. During that long 3 minute wait, I prayed. I cried out to God, I told Him I would do whatever He asked of me. It didn't matter what it was, I would do it if He gave me a child. 

The three minutes were up.

The test was negative.

I got in the shower, and I cried.

When I started getting ready, Jonathan sweetly took me in his arms and told me that God is faithful and He won't leave us alone today, or any other day in this dark valley. I tried to receive his words, but I was too devistated. 

When we made it to church, I sat in the car and put on my make up, and as soon as I put my eye make up on, big ol' tears streamed down my face. I remember thinking, "Okay Katie, suck it up. No one wants to see your tears." I made it through Sunday school without tears, and I barely made it through choir singing without a melt down. But then it was time for me to direct the youth choir.

I stood in front of the kids as they sang "He Knows My Name." I was enjoying their beautiful voices when out of the corner of my eye, I saw our projector screen. It read: Happy Mother's Day. All of a sudden I felt violated. Directing the youth choir was my safe place. It's where I praised God, it's where I served God, it's where I forget that there is anyone other than me, God and a bunch of kids that I love. And what shows its ugly face while I'm up there? My faults, failures and insecurities. I looked at the youth and thought, "Will I ever get this? Will I ever get to be a mother?"

After choir, there was some more singing and Jonathan went down to pray, and I went with him. I don't know what he was praying for, but I do know what I was praying for. I prayed, "God I don't know why You have me in this valley. I don't know if You will give me children. I dont understand. Please help me get through this day. Please help me give this to You. Please help people to understand my tears."

Then came the part I had been dreading: the recognition of the mothers. The bitter part of me said, "They have children, we know who is a mother and who isn't. Why do they have to shove it down my throat that they have something I may never have?!" But then I thought of my mom and all that she has ever done for me, and immediately repented for my thoughts.

During this process, I was embarrassed, ashamed, and I just wanted to run out of the church house and never come back. I got home and cried so hard I almost made myself sick. I wanted to disappear. I felt alone and angry. I don't understand why something's were said or done, but I know they weren't from a bad place.

I told you how I felt on Mother's Day where I could ask this: where is the help in the church for the infertile? I'm not talking about any church in particular, but I am talking about THE church. I haven't ever heard a sermon on infertility. I understand that it makes people feel awkward; especially if they have never experienced it. Why is it okay to say hurtful things to people that are unable to conceive, but if I am a little snippy about pregnancies on one of my bad days, I'm overreacting? 

Every where I turn, there are insensitive things being said to me about my battle. Most days I try to remind myself they are just trying to help, and I pick up the pieces of my heart that shattered to the ground. Other days, I go home and cry myself to sleep. Mother's Day is one of the "other days". So can I, as an infertile woman of God, make a request? Next Mother's Day, after we honor our deserving mothers, can we gather around those who cannot stand at the front of the church on that day? Can we pray for those who have lost a child, or are unable to receive one? I told Jonathan that I would've felt blessed (and not embarrassed and ashamed) if they would've asked for the mothers to gather around the women that are infertile or suffered a loss of their child and pray for them instead of being called to the front as a public example of someone who will only get to take care of other women's children. Woman praying for other woman THAT will make Mother's Day encouraging for everyone and not *just* the mothers.

My Heart Whispers...

In a world where women are "free" to be and do as they would like, I have found that you can only "do as you please" if you do what the world finds acceptable. If you have a different opinion, then, you are judgmental and hateful.

The world cries for woman to dress how they want, only if you show skin or show your curves. If you are conservative in how you dress, then shame on you! You are the reason men view women as objects!

The world cries for marriage equality and that "love is love"! Everyone should have a right to marriage, unless you are a young, straight couple. Then you are stupid.

The world cries for tolerance towards other religions. Everyone needs to be treated with respect regardless of what they believe in. Oh, you're a Christian? Oh no, you can't pray in public or talk about your Lord because we don't agree with you.

The world cries for women to have a career that they love! No, that doesn't include staying at home to raise your children and care for the house while your husband works. You aren't your husband's slave!

You say this isn't true? Well guess again, because I have experienced all of the above, and then some. 

Being a 21 year old Christian who loves waiting on children and her husband isn't popular. At all. 

I was a 20 year old bride. I saved myself (right down to my first kiss) for my husband. I don't wear anything that reveals too much of my body out of respect for my husband. And I spend my free time serving God at my church. I have heard so many negative things about my life choice. A lot of the above apply. And as loud as the world yelled, it was hard to hear the still small voice telling me to trust Him.

Trusting God would be easy if you didn't have the screams of the world right in your ear telling you that you are wrong. There have been times when the world almost won. It would be so much easier to conform to the world, but then I am reminded that we are called to be different. We are not called to fit in!

The Bible says in 1st Peter 2:9 - But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a *peculiar people*; that he should show forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light;.

When I read this verse, it reminds me that the screams of the world are null and void. Those screams have no power over me, because I am a part of something much bigger. I am a Christian and a woman who loves God more than "fitting in".

I. Am. Precious.

The Bible also says - Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10.  

I never fully understood what it meant to be a "Proverbs 31 Woman" until today. I've read countless blogs about it, but never fully understood exactly what it was meaning; especially the verse I quoted. I have always thought that a virtuous woman was hard to find because she was so perfect that no woman could achieve to become one. Virtuous was impossible.

WRONG.

Being a virtuous woman is very much achievable. Virtuous means "high moral standards, chaste". So woman all have equal opportunity to be a virtuous woman, but the problem is that women choose to believe the lies the world tells us. We choose to believe that we have to be popular. We choose to conform instead of what God has called us to be.

Elisabeth Elliot once said, "The fact that I am a woman does not make me a different kind of Christian, but the fact that I am a Christian makes me a different kind of woman."

The world screams: "You are a woman, do what you want, wear what you want, say what you want!"

My heart whispers: "You are a woman of God, be meek. You are a woman of God, be kind. You are a woman of God, honor your husband. You are a woman of God, be obedient."