I started to really search my heart when those thoughts consumed my prayers. I didn't want to be that way. I loved God, He's been so good to me, so I knew there had to be a reason behind this valley in my life. I searched my heart, prayed for guidance, and studied The Word, and what I found blew my mind.
It hit me one Sunday morning, like a ton of red bricks. I quickly opened my Bible and started turning to read about all of these great women of faith.
First, I turned to Genesis to read about Sarah (Genesis chapters 12, 15, 16, 17, 18, and 21). The Bible said that Sarah was barren (Gen 11:31), and then it goes on to tell us that God told Abraham that he would make a great nation. Years pass and through the story, you see Abraham asking God and God promises Abraham children. Finally, we see in chapter 21, Sarah has a child, even though they thought they were too old to have children, God gave them Isaac. How awesome is that? Even after Sarah laughed at the thought of being old and having a child, God still gave her the desire of her heart! He even asked her in Genesis 18:14: "Is any thing too hard for the Lord?" My response, "NO! It's not!"
Then I thought of Rebekah, Isaac's wife (Gen 25). I'm certain Sarah and Abraham told Isaac the story of his miraculous conception, so I'm sure he knew that God could give Rebekah a child. He prayed to God on behalf of Rebekah. God came to her and told her she had two nations in her womb! And when it came time to deliver her miracle babies, sure enough she had twins! She names them Jacob and Esau. Rebekah went from being barren to having TWINS. God doubled her blessing.
The next woman that came to mind, was Rachel (Genesis 29:31, 30). I love the story of Rachel, and I often refer to her story when I'm having a hard time dealing with infertility. Rachel was Jacob's wife. She became barren, and then she became jealous of her sister, Leah, because she could have children. Rachel kept being faithful to her God and her husband, and God remembered her (my favorite part, Gen 30:22). She gave birth to Joseph and later, Benjamin. If we are faithful, God will remember us! That gives me so much hope!
You can't think of infertility without thinking about Hannah (1st Samuel 1). Hannah's story starts out by telling us that her womb was shut up by the Lord. She went though bitterness, and prayed until the Lord finally gave her what her heart so longed for: a man child. Hannah gave thanks for her son, Samuel, and gave him back to the Lord. How beautiful. The Lord gave her want she wanted more than anything, and she surrendered it all back to Him.
And the last woman I thought of was Elizabeth (Luke 1). Elizabeth was barren and old in age, but God put the fore runner of Christ in her womb, John the Baptist.
I came to one conclusion while studying these women and their infertility: God has a plan. I've heard all my life that God has a plan, and I believe it with my whole heart, but during this trying time, I just didn't understand why this was happening.
I read those passages and saw that there WAS a purpose for their infertility, although, I'm sure they didn't see that at the time. God used each of their children for a very specific purpose. He needed them to have the right children at the right time.
Every person has a specific calling in life, every child is precious, and every child is perfectly timed. As badly as I want a child, right now isn't the time for us. God has a greater calling for us and our child. I love knowing what's going on, why its happening, and when something will happen... Basically I want to control my life. This experience (I'm calling it an experience because I fully believe and hope that God is going to give Jonathan and I a beautiful baby, maybe even twins) has taught me to let go and let God. It sounds cliché, I know, but it's true. We spend so much time planning our lives right down to the last detail, that we forget that we are made for a bigger purpose. When someone gets pregnant unexpectedly, we all rejoice over the blessing God sent, but when God shuts up someone's womb, we ignore the major miracle God can preform!
I guess what it comes down to is this: things aren't going to go our way all the time, but will we still love God with everything within us? Will we trust that His timing is perfect? Or will we let bitterness and jealousy over take us? The choice is ours, and it's a daily battle. It's not going to be easy to let go and let God, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that it is worth it.
To my infertile sisters: I'm praying for you, the struggle is real and often ignored because it's an uncomfortable subject. Keep your faith!
To anyone who reads this that isn't infertile: you likely have someone in your life that IS infertile whether they say so or not, please don't make infertility a taboo subject. Encourage those you know who are unable to have children, all you have to do is tell them that you are praying for them (make sure you follow though). I know it's hard to understand something when you've never been through it, but literally the best thing you can do is hug them, pray for them and let them know you care.
“He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the Lord.” Psalms 113:9 KJV
Here's a link to a video that gets me every time. Love it.
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