The Struggle is a Blessing: A New Outlook on Infertility

So most of y'all know about my struggle with infertility. If you are my friend on Facebook, go to church with me or are friends with me in any capacity, you know how hard I've taken it. I have been broken. Broken beyond belief. I cried out to God and asked why. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? I tried to live by Your Word. I wasn't perfect, but I tried to live for You. I was made fun of for it, I wasn't popular in high school because of it, and now, it feels as if Your punishing me. 

I started to really search my heart when those thoughts consumed my prayers. I didn't want to be that way. I loved God, He's been so good to me, so I knew there had to be a reason behind this valley in my life. I searched my heart, prayed for guidance, and studied The Word, and what I found blew my mind.

It hit me one Sunday morning, like a ton of red bricks. I quickly opened my Bible and started turning to read about all of these great women of faith. 

First, I turned to Genesis to read about Sarah (Genesis chapters 12, 15, 16, 17, 18, and 21). The Bible said that Sarah was barren (Gen 11:31), and then it goes on to tell us that God told Abraham that he would make a great nation. Years pass and through the story, you see Abraham asking God and God promises Abraham children. Finally, we see in chapter 21, Sarah has a child, even though they thought they were too old to have children, God gave them Isaac. How awesome is that? Even after Sarah laughed at the thought of being old and having a child, God still gave her the desire of her heart! He even asked her in Genesis 18:14: "Is any thing too hard for the Lord?" My response, "NO! It's not!"

Then I thought of Rebekah, Isaac's wife (Gen 25). I'm certain Sarah and Abraham told Isaac the story of his miraculous conception, so I'm sure he knew that God could give Rebekah a child. He prayed to God on behalf of Rebekah. God came to her and told her she had two nations in her womb! And when it came time to deliver her miracle babies, sure enough she had twins! She names them Jacob and Esau. Rebekah went from being barren to having TWINS. God doubled her blessing.

The next woman that came to mind, was Rachel (Genesis 29:31, 30). I love the story of Rachel, and I often refer to her story when I'm having a hard time dealing with infertility. Rachel was Jacob's wife. She became barren, and then she became jealous of her sister, Leah, because she could have children. Rachel kept being faithful to her God and her husband, and God remembered her (my favorite part, Gen 30:22). She gave birth to Joseph and later, Benjamin. If we are faithful, God will remember us! That gives me so much hope!

You can't think of infertility without thinking about Hannah (1st Samuel 1). Hannah's story starts out by telling us that her womb was shut up by the Lord. She went though bitterness, and prayed until the Lord finally gave her what her heart so longed for: a man child. Hannah gave thanks for her son, Samuel, and gave him back to the Lord. How beautiful. The Lord gave her want she wanted more than anything, and she surrendered it all back to Him.

And the last woman I thought of was Elizabeth (Luke 1). Elizabeth was barren and old in age, but God put the fore runner of Christ in her womb, John the Baptist.

I came to one conclusion while studying these women and their infertility: God has a plan. I've heard all my life that God has a plan, and I believe it with my whole heart, but during this trying time, I just didn't understand why this was happening.

I read those passages and saw that there WAS a purpose for their infertility, although, I'm sure they didn't see that at the time. God used each of their children for a very specific purpose. He needed them to have the right children at the right time.

Every person has a specific calling in life, every child is precious, and every child is perfectly timed. As badly as I want a child, right now isn't the time for us. God has a greater calling for us and our child. I love knowing what's going on, why its happening, and when something will happen... Basically I want to control my life. This experience (I'm calling it an experience because I fully believe and hope that God is going to give Jonathan and I a beautiful baby, maybe even twins) has taught me to let go and let God. It sounds cliché, I know, but it's true. We spend so much time planning our lives right down to the last detail, that we forget that we are made for a bigger purpose. When someone gets pregnant unexpectedly, we all rejoice over the blessing God sent, but when God shuts up someone's womb, we ignore the major miracle God can preform!

I guess what it comes down to is this: things aren't going to go our way all the time, but will we still love God with everything within us? Will we trust that His timing is perfect? Or will we let bitterness and jealousy over take us? The choice is ours, and it's a daily battle. It's not going to be easy to let go and let God, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that it is worth it.

To my infertile sisters: I'm praying for you, the struggle is real and often ignored because it's an uncomfortable subject. Keep your faith!

To anyone who reads this that isn't infertile: you likely have someone in your life that IS infertile whether they say so or not, please don't make infertility a taboo subject. Encourage those you know who are unable to have children, all you have to do is tell them that you are praying for them (make sure you follow though). I know it's hard to understand something when you've never been through it, but literally the best thing you can do is hug them, pray for them and let them know you care.

“He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the Lord.” Psalms 113:9 KJV

Here's a link to a video that gets me every time. Love it. 

http://youtu.be/ARy_6iGIRNE

Struggling On Mother's Day: The Thoughts of The Childless

Everyone knows Mother's Day can be hard for some women. I learned this year just how hard it can be.

Can I be absolutely honest right now? I really don't think that I have ever cried as much as I did this past Sunday. I've never been hurt by well-meaning people as much as I was on Sunday. I've never felt so lonely in a church full of people. I've never felt as worthless as I did on Mother's Day 2015.

If you've never experienced infertility, then you probably think I am being dramatic, but if you've been in this dark valley before, you know that I'm not. 

When I woke up Sunday morning, I woke up with sadness in my heart. I knew what day it was: Mother's Day. I could barely drag myself out of bed. Only a few months prior to that day I had found out that my body wasn't functioning correctly, which meant that I couldn't get pregnant, at least not without the help of a specialist (and even that may not work).

I rolled out of bed, and went into the bathroom, and took a pregnancy test. During that long 3 minute wait, I prayed. I cried out to God, I told Him I would do whatever He asked of me. It didn't matter what it was, I would do it if He gave me a child. 

The three minutes were up.

The test was negative.

I got in the shower, and I cried.

When I started getting ready, Jonathan sweetly took me in his arms and told me that God is faithful and He won't leave us alone today, or any other day in this dark valley. I tried to receive his words, but I was too devistated. 

When we made it to church, I sat in the car and put on my make up, and as soon as I put my eye make up on, big ol' tears streamed down my face. I remember thinking, "Okay Katie, suck it up. No one wants to see your tears." I made it through Sunday school without tears, and I barely made it through choir singing without a melt down. But then it was time for me to direct the youth choir.

I stood in front of the kids as they sang "He Knows My Name." I was enjoying their beautiful voices when out of the corner of my eye, I saw our projector screen. It read: Happy Mother's Day. All of a sudden I felt violated. Directing the youth choir was my safe place. It's where I praised God, it's where I served God, it's where I forget that there is anyone other than me, God and a bunch of kids that I love. And what shows its ugly face while I'm up there? My faults, failures and insecurities. I looked at the youth and thought, "Will I ever get this? Will I ever get to be a mother?"

After choir, there was some more singing and Jonathan went down to pray, and I went with him. I don't know what he was praying for, but I do know what I was praying for. I prayed, "God I don't know why You have me in this valley. I don't know if You will give me children. I dont understand. Please help me get through this day. Please help me give this to You. Please help people to understand my tears."

Then came the part I had been dreading: the recognition of the mothers. The bitter part of me said, "They have children, we know who is a mother and who isn't. Why do they have to shove it down my throat that they have something I may never have?!" But then I thought of my mom and all that she has ever done for me, and immediately repented for my thoughts.

During this process, I was embarrassed, ashamed, and I just wanted to run out of the church house and never come back. I got home and cried so hard I almost made myself sick. I wanted to disappear. I felt alone and angry. I don't understand why something's were said or done, but I know they weren't from a bad place.

I told you how I felt on Mother's Day where I could ask this: where is the help in the church for the infertile? I'm not talking about any church in particular, but I am talking about THE church. I haven't ever heard a sermon on infertility. I understand that it makes people feel awkward; especially if they have never experienced it. Why is it okay to say hurtful things to people that are unable to conceive, but if I am a little snippy about pregnancies on one of my bad days, I'm overreacting? 

Every where I turn, there are insensitive things being said to me about my battle. Most days I try to remind myself they are just trying to help, and I pick up the pieces of my heart that shattered to the ground. Other days, I go home and cry myself to sleep. Mother's Day is one of the "other days". So can I, as an infertile woman of God, make a request? Next Mother's Day, after we honor our deserving mothers, can we gather around those who cannot stand at the front of the church on that day? Can we pray for those who have lost a child, or are unable to receive one? I told Jonathan that I would've felt blessed (and not embarrassed and ashamed) if they would've asked for the mothers to gather around the women that are infertile or suffered a loss of their child and pray for them instead of being called to the front as a public example of someone who will only get to take care of other women's children. Woman praying for other woman THAT will make Mother's Day encouraging for everyone and not *just* the mothers.

My Heart Whispers...

In a world where women are "free" to be and do as they would like, I have found that you can only "do as you please" if you do what the world finds acceptable. If you have a different opinion, then, you are judgmental and hateful.

The world cries for woman to dress how they want, only if you show skin or show your curves. If you are conservative in how you dress, then shame on you! You are the reason men view women as objects!

The world cries for marriage equality and that "love is love"! Everyone should have a right to marriage, unless you are a young, straight couple. Then you are stupid.

The world cries for tolerance towards other religions. Everyone needs to be treated with respect regardless of what they believe in. Oh, you're a Christian? Oh no, you can't pray in public or talk about your Lord because we don't agree with you.

The world cries for women to have a career that they love! No, that doesn't include staying at home to raise your children and care for the house while your husband works. You aren't your husband's slave!

You say this isn't true? Well guess again, because I have experienced all of the above, and then some. 

Being a 21 year old Christian who loves waiting on children and her husband isn't popular. At all. 

I was a 20 year old bride. I saved myself (right down to my first kiss) for my husband. I don't wear anything that reveals too much of my body out of respect for my husband. And I spend my free time serving God at my church. I have heard so many negative things about my life choice. A lot of the above apply. And as loud as the world yelled, it was hard to hear the still small voice telling me to trust Him.

Trusting God would be easy if you didn't have the screams of the world right in your ear telling you that you are wrong. There have been times when the world almost won. It would be so much easier to conform to the world, but then I am reminded that we are called to be different. We are not called to fit in!

The Bible says in 1st Peter 2:9 - But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a *peculiar people*; that he should show forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light;.

When I read this verse, it reminds me that the screams of the world are null and void. Those screams have no power over me, because I am a part of something much bigger. I am a Christian and a woman who loves God more than "fitting in".

I. Am. Precious.

The Bible also says - Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10.  

I never fully understood what it meant to be a "Proverbs 31 Woman" until today. I've read countless blogs about it, but never fully understood exactly what it was meaning; especially the verse I quoted. I have always thought that a virtuous woman was hard to find because she was so perfect that no woman could achieve to become one. Virtuous was impossible.

WRONG.

Being a virtuous woman is very much achievable. Virtuous means "high moral standards, chaste". So woman all have equal opportunity to be a virtuous woman, but the problem is that women choose to believe the lies the world tells us. We choose to believe that we have to be popular. We choose to conform instead of what God has called us to be.

Elisabeth Elliot once said, "The fact that I am a woman does not make me a different kind of Christian, but the fact that I am a Christian makes me a different kind of woman."

The world screams: "You are a woman, do what you want, wear what you want, say what you want!"

My heart whispers: "You are a woman of God, be meek. You are a woman of God, be kind. You are a woman of God, honor your husband. You are a woman of God, be obedient."

A Man Of God Shouldn't Act This Way...

Leaving your pastor's office, tears streaming and temper flaring. You look to your spouse and ask, “How could someone we trusted and loved do this? He is supposed to be leading us, he's supposed to love and care for God's people. A man of God shouldn't act this way.” I wonder how many church members have left their church feeling hurt. I wonder how many pastors have sent visitors and members running for the hills. I wonder how many of these Christians have spoke (or posted) words of anger.

I have a confession to make... I have talked badly about a Pastor before. If you are honest with yourself, you have too. It's something we all do. We're human, and there's nothing wrong with it, right? WRONG. Regardless of what the preacher or pastor has done to you or someone else, we are not to speak ill of ANY of God's anointed.

I know what you're thinking, “I need to tell everyone of the lies 'Pastor so and so' is spreading!” or “What he is doing is wrong, and I'm sure God wants us to tell others that he is a 'false prophet'.” I know you feel like you are doing what is right and fair. I was there before, too. But that is exactly what God doesn't want us to do.

Why do I think that? Well, God's Word tells us so.

“Saying, touch not mine anointed, and do my prophets no harm.” - 1^st Chronicles 16:22 KJV.

David even said that regardless of how far God's men has gotten from His Word, they are still God's anointed.

“Behold, this day thine eyes have seen how that the Lord had delivered thee to day into mine hand in the cave: and some bade me kill thee: but mine eye spared thee; and I said, I will not put forth mine hand against my lord; for his is the Lord's anointed.” 1^st Samuel 24:10 KJV.

Saul tried numerous times to kill David, but when David had an opportunity to kill Saul, he wasn't able to. Why? Because Saul was the Lord's anointed. God had called him. If God has called someone, it is not our job to bad mouth them whenever something happens. If David can't kill God's anointed after he had tried to murder David, why do we think we can bad mouth a preacher? We are doing much more bad than we are good when we choose that path.

I had this point brought up to me the other day: “If they are hurting enough people, then we should be questioning whether or not the person is truly called of God.”

That is a very good point, I have said the very same thing before, but the truth is, we aren't the authority that decides that. What if Israel had decided that David wasn't anointed or called of God? David had ruined lives and even KILLED a man. He had an affair with a woman and killed the man to whom she was married.

Can you imagine the world of hurt that David caused?

I can hear them now, “How could someone we trusted and loved do this? He is supposed to be leading us, he's supposed to love and care for God's people. A man of God shouldn't act this way.”

Sound familiar?

If a preacher is truly called of God, they will realize what they are doing is wrong, and repent. If a preacher isn't called of God, God will take care of it Himself. You don't need to tell people what's going on. If the preacher is out of God's will, or if he is, indeed, a false prophet, the congregation will recognize this if they stay in His Word. It is our job to pray for those preachers who has done us wrong, we are supposed to love them. God will take care of it all in the end. He doesn't want us worrying about it. He has our back, and He will take care of us.

“Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine, I will repay, saith the Lord.” Romans 12:19

Lessons From The Inspirations Part 8

Tonight was a wonderful night of singing and praising God. The Inspirations were in Blue Ridge and God paid us a visit too! I don't know why God shows me things through these men, but He does. The "lesson" tonight was a doosie.

Tonight was the first night that I bought an Inspiration CD without two of my three favorites on it. Jodi and David are gone. I had a REAL hard time buying this CD. Jon was still on it, but I knew it wouldn't be the same; and if you know me, you know that I am NOT a fan of change.

As I paid the money for the CD, and waited patiently in my seat awaiting my favorite quartet to take the stage, I caught myself thinking rather negative thoughts, such as: "Why am I doing this to myself? I know it's not going to be the same. Jodi's sweet tenor voice was the part I listen so intently to, and David's smooth lead voice is what tied everything together; NEITHER ONE OF THEM ARE HERE. Sure, Jon's here, but these new guys just won't cut it." (For those of you whom thought I could say nothing negative about the Inspirations, I, sadly, just proved you wrong.)

After these thoughts entered my head, the new lead started on one of my "David Ragan" songs... I was setting this poor man up for failure! But as I listened to him sing a David Classic, I thought, "Hey, he's not that bad, he's actually pretty good!" And then, God entered my mind.

God had to remind me of something tonight, something that I should have had in mind this whole time.

Groups change. "My Inspirations" won't always be "MY Inspirations." God has plans for each of them, and even though MY plan was for them to stay the same forever, it isn't GOD'S plan.

People change. Everyone grows, and learns and starts a new phase in life every day. I can't expect people to be the same from day to day! I, for one, have changed a lot over the course of a year. And I will continue to change as I begin the process of becoming a wife. Everyone will change. EVERYONE.

Situations change. However your life is today, it's going to change. If your life is bad today, don't worry, it WILL change, and if your life is good today.... hold on, because a storm is coming your way.

But you know what, God, He never changes. In a world full of change, we can hold on the promise that God will ALWAYS stay the same. God isn't going to forsake you. God isn't going to leave you hanging. God isn't going to leave you without an answer, and God will never, EVER leave you alone. He stood by, guided and held the people in the Bible, and if God never changes, He's going to do the same for you and me.

I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful that even when I mess up, even when I change and even when I do the right thing, God will ALWAYS love me. "He loves me, He loves me, Jesus loves me!"

Verse: Hebrews 13:8 " Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and to day, and for ever. "

PS The Inspirations are still my favorites! And they were amazing tonight!

We Will Sing!

I started this blog on my facebook status today. For those of you who didn't get a chance to see my status, don't worry! You'll be filled in by the end of this blog.

The idea for this blog came from a song that played on my Pandora Radio (Brian Free and Assurance Station) this morning. The song was "We Will Sing." I love this song. It is one of my favorite BF&A songs. It always makes me think of Heaven and how I will get to see my loved ones who are already with Jesus again.

But before I get ahead of myself, I need to fill you in on some stories.

I go to music school every summer. I absolutely love it there. I honestly think most of friends are people I know from music school. Two weeks out of the year, I get to spend all day and night with the people I love so dearly! We make the two weeks count, too. We always have so many memories to take home! The hardest part of music school is leaving. Although we keep in touch the best we can, and try to get together periodically throughout the year, life still manages the get in the way and we become too busy to talk on the phone every night, text or even Skype each other.

Another summer event in my life is the Carolina Mountain Youth Retreat. This is a church youth retreat that our church holds each summer. Even though this event is only a weekend long, I always manage to make some life-long friends. It's the only time of the year I get the opportunity to see my best friend, Breanna Lewis! The weekend that we spend together is full of laughter, fellowship and worship. It's one of my favorite times of year. I hate that it ends just as quickly as it started!

November 25 of 2010 and November 25 of 2011 were two dates that altered my life forever. 11/25/10, my best friend, Jessi Patrick, passed away from cancer. My world fell that night. I couldn't believe after all the prayers we prayed that the Lord decided to take her home. Then, exactly a year later, the Lord saw fit to take my Nana Nix from this Earth. She, also, had cancer. Although I miss them very much, I have the assurance, by their testimonies and by mine, that I will get to see them again! The best part is that they will be cancer-free! (:

In Africa, there lives a special girl. Her name is Corina Anne Spinizzola. Although we always fought and never saw eye to eye while she was in Blairsville, I miss her very much. Corina felt God leading her to Africa to be a missionary for Him. I have my days where I miss her a lot, but her absence is ALWAYS felt. I am praying for her, as should you!

May 25, 2012. Graduation Day. The day that my friends and I became 'adults' and would move on to college. So now, the friends that I've spent my whole life with, are all across the country.

And finally, this past week, two VERY important things happened.

First, I found out that the McGaha Family is moving back to the North Georgia area and are coming back to church. They moved when Gerald (the father of the family) accepted a Pastoral job HOURS away from Hayesville. Gerald, Sheila and their two boys, Jordan and Peyton, were a big part of my life. I spent all the time in the world with them. They were always there for me. So when I heard that they were moving back, I was super excited! I had missed them so much.

The second major thing that happened was that our church found out that our Associate Pastor, Randy, was going to be pastoring another church. He announced it Sunday night. I'm not gonna lie, I was upset. I love that family very much. I know I probably drive them crazy, but it is because I love them so much. They have always helped me, prayed for me and they have always made me laugh. Although I was upset, I knew that they had to go where God was leading.

As you can see, I have friends and loved ones who are spread all over the place.

There is a line in "We Will Sing" that says: we shed our tears from sad goodbyes, joy disappears as we search for reasons why. I always thought of death when it referred to sad goodbyes. But the older I get and more experiences I have, I realize that there are different types of sad goodbyes. There are goodbyes when we leave a summer camp or church retreat, deaths happen, graduations, and when people follow God's call.

Like with the McGahas, God may bring some people back into our lives, but others we may not get a chance to see again due to our busy lives. Which brings me to the next line in "We Will Sing": but glad reunion, oh what harmonies will blend. Better now than ever and the song will NEVER END!

While we're on Earth, we may be too busy or too far to get to see each other as much as we want, but one day, if you are saved by God's Grace, we WILL be together again. There will be no separation for eternity! The older I get, the more I long for that time. I am ready to go to Heaven and be with everyone I love forever! We will sing and worship God together! I am ready to sing the song that will never end!

We Will Sing

Brian Free and Assurance

 

There is a choir now being formed,
White robe attire with harps, and tambourines and horns
From every nation listening for the trumpets cue,
The only thing they're waiting for is me and you.

Chorus:
Then we will sing, yes, we will sing,
While tiers of angels gently fold their wings,
Bells will ring, we will cast our crowns before our LORD and King,
When death has lost its sting, we will sing

We shed our tears from sad goodbyes
Joy disappears as we search for reasons why
But glad reunions, oh, what harmony will blend
Better now than ever, and the song will never end.

Chorus

Tag:
Not one voice is trembling, no one will miss a note
No other song resembling, for it's a song redemption wrote.

Chorus

I Can't Keep From Singing!

This past weekend, I got the chance to spend the whole weekend with two of my best friends: Katie Duncan and Ashlee Gormer. Katie and I have been planning this weekend for at LEAST 3 years. When the weekend finally came, I was beyond excited! We had so much fun. We rode around Monroe, played Wal-Mart Bingo, danced to Payphone, and went to church. Katie and Ashlee go to Bible Baptist Church in Monroe, Ga. This is also the church that our music school teacher, Stephen Butler, holds the position of Choir Director. He had NO IDEA I was there, we were planning on surprising him. To be honest, I was surprised that we had kept this a secret! When we walked into our Sunday School room (he taught our class), he freaked out. I was so happy that he was happy to see me! haha. To some people, that would've been a horrible surprise.

I ended up staying til the night service and sang with Stephen and Ashlee. We sang Justin and Jason Myers' song "I Love To Sing." Man, they didn't know when they picked the song, but I needed to be reminded of that fact alone: I love to sing! We rocked it and then I had to head back to little ol' Blairsville shortly after.

While I was "on the road again," a song came on my iPod entitled: "Remind Me of The Cross" by Brian Free and Assurance. This song talks about whenever we feel like we need to complain, that God would bring the Cross back into our minds. Well, that Sunday afternoon, I took it a totally different way.

While listening to the song, all I could think about how truly blessed I am, and how much I don't deserve anything I have. My mind travelled through the weekend. I had so much fun and many memories were made. I just couldn't understand why Jesus would go through all that pain just so I could have blessings like Katie, Ashlee and Stephen (just to name a few of course). So, being the emotional person I am, I cried and prayed. I prayed for Katie and her family, Ashlee, Stephen, their church, and their choir. I prayed and cried until I had to look at my GPS on my phone.

Now that car ride home was an experience on it's own. God showed me so much in that car ride, but little did I know that I was gonna need that weekend later through the week.

This has been a trying week. We have no money. At all (the man daddy was working for wouldn't pay him...). I saw my daddy cry because he didn't know how we were gonna make it. I decided it would be better to go and work this semester instead of going to college to save for college and pay my way through and help the family. And today mom just told me that we may not be able to drive to Hayesville to go to our church anymore because we can't afford it. That was a hard blow.

After knowing most of this story, I just didn't know what to do. I texted Katie Duncan and told her most of what was going on, and she promised that she would be praying. After that conversation, I decided I was going to go to bed. I laid down and was listening to my iPod. I put it on shuffle and listened for a while.

I was about to take my headphones out of my ears and go to sleep when this song I had never heard came up. I looked at the song title and artist. It was "I Can't Keep From Singing" by Sisters. I decided to listen to it because I love Sisters and it seemed like a song I would like. The song talked about how they knew that life wasn't a bed of Roses but they couldn't help but sing because of all the things God has done in their lives.

As I laid listening, I thought about the weekend I just had (before I knew all about the stuff at home). It was the BEST. I knew God had orchestrated the whole weekend to remind me that He loves me. Even if I am going through a valley, I still have a song to sing (which reminds me of another Brian Free and Assurance song)! Everything will work out the way it's supposed to, but until then, I have my family, my friends, my music school family and church to lean on. "I can't keep from singin', dancin', gotta tell the world about the freedom that I've found!"

NGSGM 2012 - I Have Been Changed!

Summer 2012 had finally arrived. And I, for one, knew what that meant. The North Georgia School of Gospel Music was just around the corner. I couldn't wait. After working a few weeks, the week of NGSGM had found it's way to my front door. When I eagerly opened the door to a dear "old friend," I realized that music school wasn't exactly how I remembered it.

In years past, NGSGM had been a haven for me. A place to go and see friends that I had special bonds with. I got to see the sweet, loving faces of the teachers I had grown to love and the "older kids" that I had FINALLY became a part of.

But this year... this year was different. I arrived to the Truett-McConnell campus and EVERYTHING had changed. The college was being extremely strict, dorm parents became a little more uptight, there were teachers who had gone missing and new teaching faces that I had to learn. I was already overwhelmed and I had only been there for about five minutes! Then came the first of many roll calls. I walked into the Otwell dorm expecting to know almost everyone, just as I had in years past, and realized that I knew NO ONE (with the exception of a few familiar faces of course)!

I couldn't believe it. There were young kids coming from everywhere. It was crazy. My friends and I couldn't believe how many new kids we had. It was a blessing and a curse all in one. We were blessed that so many new kids had decided to join the "family" that we loved so much, but it was a curse knowing that so many of our friends hadn't returned.

I try my hardest not to be a "Debbie Downer" but I couldn't help but think: "Where is everyone? Why did I come back? I should've went on the missions trip! I miss Jason and Maria! It's not the same without them!" Needless to say; I was bummed.

The first week came and went, and I had a lot of fun, but I was kinda disappointed that I let the Devil get ahold of my mind as strongly as he did. Because looking back now, I know God had so many blessing in store for me, but I let the Devil remind me of everything that was going wrong. I wasn't focused.

When it was time to return, I went back with a totally different attitude. I went back with a mission to let God use me. I went back with the mindset that I was going to make a difference. I was going back, and I was going to serve the Lord with all I had, and hopefully have fun while doing it.

Boy, going back with THAT mindset changed everything! I think I had more fun than I have ever had at Music School (and that's saying a lot since I've been there for around 11 years)! Everyday it just kept getting better!

Tuesday night during devotion, God poured out His blessings on Otwell. All the girls shed some tears and got to share the things God had laid on their hearts. Most of the older girls still felt the Spirit after roll call and it spilled on over into the dorm room! Thursday, we had two saved! It doesn't get much better than that, folks!

By the end of the second week, I started to realize that everything that had went "wrong" in the past week, were things that I was letting take my focus away from God. I probably wasn't the most pleasent person to be around that first week, and I am ashamed of that, but I can't change it.

The Katie that went into NGSGM thinking it was just going to be a normal year, left as a totally different person. I learned that God truly works in mysterious ways. Sometimes He has to get us out of comfort zone to truly use us. During those two special weeks of NGSGM, God had showen me not to be afriad of the call He has for me. He renewed my love of Gospel music and my love for Him and His people.

I wouldn't trade a thing for those two weeks. NGSGM has always held a special place in my heart, and always will. The North Georgia School of Gospel Music has shown me that I am called to the music industry (whether it be working in the office for a gospel group or being used as a sound engineer, ect.), that I am part of a wonderful musical family and that I am not alone in this crazy world.

NGSGM: we will ALWAYS have music to tie us together, but if one day we ever forget the songs we've sang together, or maybe even the memories we've shared, the greatest tie we have to each other is the Savior we serve. I love you guys! <3

"I have been changed! Yes, I know that I have been changed! And all that I was before has been rearranged! For I have been touched by God, transformed inside and out! I have been changed, praise God! Yes I have been changed!"

FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY Made with an ACCENT

Do you have something you wish you could change about yourself? EVERYBODY has something about themselves that they don't really like. For me, it has always been how white I am and that I can't tan. But here lately, I have been wanting to change some other things.

If you haven't noticed when you have talked to me, I have a rather thick country accent. I always have, but I never noticed until people started picking on me for having one. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind people picking on me when I talk, I am totally used to it by now. But the reason I wish I could change it is because some other people want to change it, or they don't like my accent.

Ever since I started realizing how much of an accent I have, people have always told me to be proud of it, because "not many people talk that way anymore." I try hard to be proud of it; I love my accent. But then someone comes and reminds me that it's not "correct" to have any sort of accent.

This is hard for me, because I love to talk and sing. I love those two things (and Jesus!) more than anything in the world. And when you love to talk and sing, it's hard to have an accent and still remain proud of how God made you.

For example, in ensemble today at music school, we were practicing our song and Jessica kept saying that we needed to get rid of our twag while we sang, and naturally, everyone in the room looked at me and/or said: "Katieeeeeeee! Gehh' rrrrriddda yourrrr twwwwagggg!" I'm used to hearing these comments from Mrs. Covington, Evans, Alex and the rest of the Union County High School students, so I just laughed and tried. It really didn't  really work the way we wanted it to.

Then in group singing before lunch (which is probably where I should be now), Jessica got up in front of the whole group to lead some songs. AS SOON AS SHE GOT UP THERE, she starts in on how we need to change the way we speak when we sing. Guess what happens next. Everyone, even the piano player (whom is one of my really good friends) looked at me. At that point, I knew I couldn't take it anymore. I was officially fed up with everyone talking about my accent.

Don't get me wrong, I know that when singing in a group, we need to sound the same. But what I think people forget is that I grew up sounding this way: loud, proud and country. I try to change it, but the more I try, the less it feels like I am singing for Jesus and for me.

Today, I realized just how much I wish I could just drop the accent. I was fighting back tears the rest of group singing. I just sat there wishing that I could sound like they wanted me to, wishing that I could lose the accent so that they would consider me a "good singer."

In the midst of tears, a verse came to mind. "I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well." Psalm 139:14. For those of you who don't know this, Psalm 139:14 is my favorite verse. I quote it to mom all the time when she talks about how white I am. But when God reminded me of this today, it wasn't about my skin tone, it was about my accent.

That verse doesn't just talk about how you were physically made, it talks about your personality, likes, dislikes and yes, your ACCENT. I was made fearfully and wonderfully, why should I be ashamed of my accent? God gave it to me! It's something that's special, because not everyone has an accent like mine.

And as far as ANYONE at NGSGM thinking that I am a "bad singer" because of my accent, PLEASE go Google "Karen Peck." God can use people with accents too! I choose today to be proud of my country accent, because it's a gift God has given me.

Mary For A While

It's a Friday night, and you have very important people coming over to your home to eat dinner and have a fun time. What is the first thing you do that Friday morning? Well, it could actually be a number of things. Some people clean or go shopping for groceries. Personally, for my family (mostly my mother), we clean and clean and then clean some more! After all of this cleaning is done, we make many last minute trips to Walmart searching for odds and ends that we have forgotten while going through the hustle and bustle of cleaning and preparation we must go through for entertaining guests.

When it finally came time for us to get all dolled up and smelling fresh-like, I was playing music on my iPhone in in my room. While doing my hair (which take forever when you have as much hair as I do...), the Perrys came on. This is one of those songs that you have to be in the "mood" for. It's not a summer, roll down your windows and cruise song. It's an amazing song that deserves alot of thought when you are listening to it. This song is called "Mary For a While." It's about the story of Mary and Martha.

Those of us who have grown up in church, have heard this story all our lives. We know about how when Jesus came to the home of Mary and Martha, Martha kept cleaning and preparing things while her sister, Mary was sitting at the feet of Jesus and taking in the divine moment she had with Him. Martha, like most of us probably would've reacted, went to Jesus and complained about how Mary wouldn't do the "womanly" job and come help her clean and cook for the guests. Jesus replied with a simple answer: "Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her." (Luke 10:41-42)

Now, I have tried to put my feet in Martha's shoes (which if we are all honest with ourselves, placing ourselves in Martha's shoes isn't too difficult because some of us are always there), and I asked myself: "What would I have said to Jesus if He has told me that after I had done everything around the house and my sister did nothing, that SHE was the one doing what she was 'supposed' to?" My answer came back a little too quickly! I'm gonna be brutally honest with myself here; I would've cried from anger. I wouldn't have understood why Jesus didn't want me to be a good host like my mother taught me to do as a child. I also would've asked Him why. Why wouldn't Jesus want us to have a presentable home or to serve our guests whenever they needed anything. I wouldn't have understood!

We are all born with a "Martha Mind." We all want to impress and serve our guests. Which isn't wrong! There is a time and place for that! But.... what is the point of having a clean house, fantastic food and great company if you can't take time to just sit back and ENJOY IT?! We all need to become like Mary! She knew the importance of spending time with a guest. Mary knew that she didn't need to continually cook and clean and serve her friends for them to have a good time.

Most importantly, Mary knew how precious her time with the Savior would be. She knew that His presence shouldn't be interrupted but the trivial things of this life. Mary knew alot of things that I am still trying to learn. She knew she needed to be still and listen. If we all became like Mary, not JUST during church services, but during our daily walk with Christ, imagine how much better our lives would be.

I want to be Mary For A While! Shoot, I want to be "Mary Minded" for the rest of my life!

Scripture: Luke 10:38-42
Song: Mary For A While
Artists: The Perrys

Verse One: A quiet afternoon in Bethany, Mary sits alone at Jesus' feet. But in the other room, Martha has so much to do, she's missin' out on fellowship sweet. And I know I could be Martha all day, let my chance to be with You slip away!

Chorus: I want to be Mary for a while in all that I do! Close the door to everything that keeps my heart from You! Lord, I want to rest here and feel Heaven smile! I want to be Mary for a while!

Verse Two: I know I'd make Martha proud of me, with lots to do and places I must be. Yet I need this time to refresh my heart and mind; Your presence Lord is just want I need! 'Cause I know I could be Martha all day, let my chance to be with You slip away!

Chorus

Tag: Draw me nearer, Draw me nearer, precious Lord, draw me nearer to Your side! Lord, I want to rest here and feel Heaven smile! I want to be Mary for a while!

Willing

Okay so to tell you this story, I'm going to have to take you to Truett-McConnell College, summer of 2011, at North Georgia School of Gospel Music.
We were in the middle of group singing that night and it was Stephen Butler's turn to direct. He told us to turn to page 16. "Willing," a song that he and his wife had written. It is a beautiful song. He started telling us the story behind the song, which brought me to tears (happy tears of course). I will NEVER forget that story.
I was sitting in the front row, as usual, and Stephen started to tell his tale. "Guys, this isn't a song you can JUST sing. You have to BELIEVE it and make it your PRAYER. It took me a long time to write this song. You know why? It was because I had to be in that place. The place where this song was MY prayer. You can't write a song like this, WITHOUT being willing to go where God leads."
Stephen's story (although those may not have been his exact words) has stuck with me all year. I've tried to be more willing, I really have. I have been trying to follow God, but it always seemed that my flesh got in the way. Until.... today.
You see, I found out this year that Stephen was right in more ways than one that night when he told the story. My sister and I have tried all year to sing Stephen and Stacie's song. It just NEVER came together. Then May rolled around, and it was time to pick a song to sing as a solo for my senior concert. I have 2 cousins and a sister in chorus, so I asked Mrs. Covington if we could sing a song together and she graciously granted my request. I had originally chose "I Choose The Lord" by The Inspirations to sing, but it just never came together. Different obstacles had appeared throughout our time trying to get it performance ready. Then I felt like God was showing me that "Willing" was the song I needed to sing. So Kelsey and I got to practicing, and again, it just wouldn't come together. She was getting frustrated because she couldn't stay on her part, and I was getting frustrated because she was getting frustrated at me. It just WASN'T working.
But then, this morning in Sunday School, Luke talked about having faith. And guess who had the be the example? ME. Ha! But God couldn't have worked it out better, because it got me to thinking about college and all my plans in my life. It made me start to wonder if it was God placing those plans in my life, or if I was the one doing MY will.
I prayed about that all service. That was all that was on my mind (sorry, Pastor Chris for not listening as closely as I should've)! Then at 4:00, my aunt Leslie helped Kelsey and I with Willing, and it all just seemed to start falling in place. I had never been so happy! Then when it came time for service, I was feeling uncertain about the song, along with  my "life plans." And I literally prayed, "God please let Pastor Randy preach on something that will help me. Please Lord, I have NEVER wanted a preacher to preach to ME as badly as I do now!" And you know what? God heard me and answered my prayer (Psalm 40:1).  Preacher Randy got in that pulpit and preached a sermon titled, "Nevertheless at Thy Word" (scripture was Luke 5:1-7). Man, did I need that sermon. He talked about the different ways that God speaks to us. The last point was: "He speaks to us through the saints." And I knew that this point was true, because God was using Pastor Randy right then. When alter call came, I went down to the alter and prayed. I usually don't share my prayers, but I will this time. I prayed, "God, I know I mess up, but I just wanted to tell You thank You for all You have done. And I want You to know that I want Stephen and Stacie's song to be my prayer. I want to be willing! Make me willing to be what You'd have my to be. I will do what You say, I will trust and obey! Not for MY own reward, but for YOUR Glory, LORD! Make me willing to serve you faithfully! Lord, please let me know that these plans I have be of You, if not, lead me away from them. I love You. amen."
I meant every word of that prayer, and when Kelsey and I got in the car and started practicing Willing again. I can honestly say that it never sounded better. I am excited to hear how it will sound when we share the gospel in song at my senior concert!
Lord, we are willing for You to use us through this song! And I pray that You make this the prayer of my family and all of my friends. I will go where You send, and I will heed to Your call. I'm done playing games. Amen.

Willing:
"Whom shall I send," asked the Master one day, to a world that is dying, lost in sin's way; who will go tell them of Calvary's cross? who will reach them no matter the cost?
Chorus (1): Make me willing to be, what You'd have me to be, Help me do what You say, help me trust and obey, not for MY own reward, but for YOUR Glory, Lord, make me willing to serve You faithfully.
Lord, hear am I, hear my prayer as I bow, a heart that is willing, I give You now; Help me to be what You'd have me to be, I am Your servant, I'll go, Lord, send me!
Chorus (2): I am willing to be, what You'd have me to be, I will do what You say, I will trust and obey, not for my own reward, but for Your  Glory, Lord, I am willing to serve You faithfully!
I will serve You, I will serve You, You are my all in all, I will serve You! YES I will serve You, i will obey Your call!
Repeat Chorus (2).

The Inspirations

You know that moment that you realize that the people you have looked up to from so long, actually deserve to be looked up to? I know that sounds weird, but there too many "role models" out there that have people that look up to them and they don't live the way they are supposed to. Well tonight, they people I look up to proved themselves worthy.

Everyone knows just how much I love the Inspirations, and although I could never really put my finger on what it was about them I loved, I know what it is now. Tonight they were singing at First Free Will Baptist Church, my home church. Afterwards, my parents through me a surprise graduation party. Everyone in my life knows just how much I love the Inspirations, so they were invited since they were gonna be there anyways haha. And knowing that they were so busy, no one was sure that they would.

Well it came time to surprise me, and you know what? The Inspirations STAYED. It made my night. It proved to me that they don't do this "just cause they *CAN*" they do this because they love God. and they love God's people. They proved it to me tonight.

So thank you, Inspirations, for being amazing men of God. You officially rock my world!

Confessions of a Teenaged Heart

This year has been one of great emotion. Sadness, loneliness, anger, bitterness, and happiness are among these feelings.

I'm extremely happy to graduate this year, but I can't help but wonder if I have impacted my classmates' lives like they have impacted mine.

I'm so sad that I have been down roads where I shouldn't have been, and possibly ruined my witness.

I feel like I'm all alone in this world as I try to stay on the straight and narrow.

I get angry when things don't work out the way I originally planned on.

I have been bitter at my old pastor, my current pastor, my family and at times even God for things that happen beyond my control.

These are just some of the things that I feel on a regular basis. I know that some of these feelings are normal and it won't hurt me for feeling this way. But some of them can be spiritually deadly.

I have talked to God about all of these feelings, but sometimes, even though I know God hears me, I feel like my prayers don't get far above the bed side. People say it's just because I am a teenager. But I don't agree with this. Teenagers may be moody, but they know more than people give them credit for.

I know what it's like to lose people you love. I've lost twice. I know what its like to be burdened by someone elses' problems. I know what it's like to be judged by adults. I know what it's like to have parents that fight. I know what it's like when you realize things that you thought were important, weren't that important after all.

We know a lot more than people think. We get treated like we have no idea what pain is, or that we don't know what it's like to have your world literally crashing down. We know what it's like when God answers our prayers, and we know what it's like when God doesn't.

I don't understand everything, but I know how I feel. I know that sometimes I feel like God doesn't care, but then I get reminded of the cross. I know that He loves me all the time, whether I feel like He does or not. He is my King!

I love You, Jesus! And I'm happy that even when I mess up or have hateful feelings that You stretched Your arms out wide to tell me that You loved me so much that You DIED to be with me. Jesus, You are my everything. I love You so much.

Confessions of a Teenaged Heart.

I Surrender All

If you have been in the car with me, listened to my Ipod, looked through my CD collection then you know that I have what the worlds considers a "strange" taste in music. I listen to The Inspirations, The Primitives, The McKameys, The Gaither Vocal Band, Karen Peck and New River and many other Southern Gospel groups.

Most people think this is the craziest thing they have ever heard. I've had several friends tell me that they love God, but they won't give Him their music. I also hear people say that it doesn't matter what they listen to, because they go to church on Sundays. I have a hard time believing that.

I can't see how someone can say that they are giving God everything, but are holding things back from Him. I also have a hard time when people say that you can make any song about God, because if others can't tell automatically to whom the song is referring to, then how can it be about God? I honestly believe that if God's in it, you'll know!

I have chosen to give God my everything. I don't agree with my friends' statements. I think that I owe God EVERYTHING. I don't get to pick and chose what I will surrender to Him and what I want to keep to myself. I have to surrender everything I am, own and will become to my Lord! The way I see it, He knows everything that was, is and is to come, then why not give Him my music, movies, language, interests, talents, and future plans? God gave His Son. Jesus gave His life... for US! I think the least we can do is give Them our EVERYTHING without holding anything back, because They didn't hold anything back from us.

"All to Jesus I surrender, all to Him I freely give. I will ever love and trust Him and in His presence daily live! I surrender ALL! I surrender ALL! All to Thee my Blessed Savior! I surrender ALL!"

It&apos;s Hard To Stumble (When You&apos;re Down On Your Knees)

This has been a year of hurting, loving, learning and growing for me. I am starting to realize the kind of person I am and starting to, clearly, seeing the person I want to become.

So far this journey has been on of apology. It seems like I apologize a lot quicker and a lot more often than I used to. I now realize the consequences of not only my actions, but my REactions as well. Reactions for me, are usually worse than whatever action took place before hand. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it's something that I am asking God to help me with.

I started to realize that my reactions were worse than my actions when I saw that even though I never really did anything wrong, and I was just getting warned about something, I would cry. I felt like I never did anything right. I still get that way a lot. It's hard for me to realize that I'm not getting in trouble every time someone tries to help or "correct" me. Since it is hard for me to figure out whether I am "in trouble" or just being "corrected", I tend to flip out a wee bit... I cry, get mad, become frustrated, and then get mad at myself for whatever happened.

I know, now, that my reactions are not healthy. As a Child of God, I should expect to be corrected! I should know that I am not always going to be right. I'm going to stumble, and when someone like a music school teacher, pastor or teacher try to help me along the way, I should THANK THEM and pray to God for the help to change those things.

I know I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be, but I will just keep praying for God's help! I will stumble, but I know it's hard to stumble when I'm down on my knees!

ITS HARD TO STUMBLE

HAVE YOU HAD THOSE DAYS WHEN, NOTHING WENT RIGHT, HOPING YOUR RAINBOW WOULD COME INTO SIGHT. THEN YOU REMEMBER IN ALL YOUR DISMAY EVERYTHING GOES BETTER EVERYTHING GOES BETTER WHEN YOU TAKE TIME TO PRAY.

CHORUS
ITS HARD TO STUMBLE(ITS HARD TO STUMBLE) WHEN YOU'RE DOWN ON YOUR KNEES (DOWN ON YOUE KNEES)EVERYTHING YOU DO EVERYTHING YOU DO THE GOOD LORD SEES(THE LORD ALWAYS SEES) AND HE WILL HELP YOU (HE'LL SURLY HELP YOU ) AND HE 'LL HEAR YOUR PLEA (HE'LL YEAR YOUR PLEA) CAUSE ITS HARD TO STUMBLE ITS HARD TO STUMBLE WHEN YOU'RE DOWN ON YOUR KNEES

THERE GONNA BE TRIALS WE ALL MUST FACE, BUT WE HAVE A SAVIOR HE SUPPLYS US WITH GRACE. WHEN WE CALL UPON HIM A PRESENT HELP HE WILL BE FOR ITS HARD TO STUMBLE ITS HARD TO STUMBLE WHEN YOUR DOWN ON YOUR KNEES.

REPEAT CHORUS TWICE

I Am A Royal Descendent!

Okay, so you know that relative that is absolutely crazy? Yeah, we all have them. We love them, but we would rather them not be around 24/7. We also have those relatives that we love to be around. They spoil us, or make us laugh. They are just fun.

Families are just funny sometimes. They fight and they bicker, but through it all, they love each other. The old saying, "Blood is thicker than water" will always be true. Families are what hold people together.

We are all descendents of someone. Being a descendent is what makes us who we are. I am a descendent of Raymond Nix and Nikki Hughes who are descendents of Raymond Nix Sr., Carol Wilson, Annette Duke and Pete Hughes and so on and so forth. I am thankful for my family. They are a big part of my life story!

Although my family is a big part of what makes me: Katie Noel Nix, there is another family that makes me a Child of the King! One day I realized that I was lost and that I needed a Savior! When I surrendered my life to Jesus, I became part of THE family.

I am now a ROYAL DESCENDENT! (:

Royal Descendant

1.
I could tell you I'm nothing
And that would be telling the truth
I could say that I'm worthless,
A hopeless sinner, that's true
Oh but that is just part of the story
I haven't told everything
I was lost reborn and raised a child of the King!

Chorus
And I am a Royal Descendant of a King from Jerusalem
A part of the bloodline of David
That's who I am
And I claim kindred to Isaac, to Jacob, and Abraham
I'm a Royal Descendant of a King from Jerusalem

2.
How in this world can I stand and say such a thing
To say that I'm Royal and to claim
That my Father's a King
Oh, I'll have to take you to an altar
where it happened many years ago
I met the King and now I'm His and
that's all I know!

Chorus

Lessons From The Inspirations Part 7

November 25, 2010 (Thanksgiving Day.)
We went to grandma and grandpa's house for thanksgiving lunch and turkey soup for dinner. We got home late that night and got a call that changed our lives forever. Jessi M. Patrick passed away. One of my best friends. That was hard to get over, I haven't accomplished that yet...

November 25, 2011
Three days prior to this date, my Nana Nix went into a coma. The whole family rushed to Memory Lane (that's really the road name, by the way) to be with her. Uncle Marshall came from his job in Florida, Uncle Bryan an Kim from shopping in Atlanta, Aunt Sarah, Aunt Mary and Daddy were already there. Cousins who were close enough came, or headed our way ASAP. Nana's siblings came from North and South Carolina, and Great Uncle Elbert is coming from Michigan.
I'll never forget everyone's faces when we saw Nana lying in that bed motionless and helpless. It killed the grandkids, kids, and siblings alike.
When she passed on 11/25/11, everyone lost it. There wasn't a dry eye in the house. The kids and Great Uncle Tom were around the bed and the grandkids were draped around the room. She would stop breathing, then start again. Then it just stopped. And the silence over took the room.
Kolbe, Kelsey, Karley and I were talking about the whole situation, while we went to the other room while the funeral home came. We established that, even though we missed Nana, we knew she was in a better place. And even though a lot of our tears came from her death, the majority came from seeing our parents, aunt and uncles reach the breaking point. Our uncles and fathers, whom rarely cry, cried. Our aunts and mothers cried and checked on us. Seeing people we love so much feel so much pain, is probably what got us the most.
We know she's in a better place, but seeing the pain and how much we all miss her, will keep the tears falling for months to come.

Song: If You Only Knew

Verse: 2nd Corinthians 5:8

Song:

Have you prayed for a loved one... struggling hard with pain
you asked the lord for healing.... but that healing never came
and in spite of all your efforts , the good Lord called THEM home
its hard to let go, when your trying to hold on
Now your down in the valley looking up to the sky
and your praying.... "lord you know what's best but I don't understand why"
if you could hear your loved one... speaking now to you they'd say...
you wouldn't be grieving, if you only knew.
If you only knew, I'm just going home, your prayers have been answered, my sickness is gone,
Things look much better from Heavens view, The sun always shines we're having a good time if you only knew
To be absent from the body is present with the lord, I'm in the arm of Jesus now & I'm not suffering any more,
hand in hand we'll stroll together down Heaven's avenue...We're having a big celebration if you only knew.
If you only knew... I 'm just going home Your prayers have been answered,

If you only knew... I 'm just going home Your prayers have been answered,
my sickness is gone. Things look much better from Heavens view,
the sun always shines we're having a time if you only knew

Things look much better from Heaven's view
The sun always shines we're having a time If you only knew!

Verse: We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord. 2nd Corinthians 5:8

Growing Up--It's Harder Than It Looks

Tonight was one of the hardest nights I've had in Chorus. It was the class of 2012's last fall concert. Hard to believe. I remember our very first concert... EVER. I still remember when Alex Drost sang soprano. (That actually hadn't changed until recently...)

Mid-song tonight I started to remember all the times I've had with my fellow Chorus members, and some of our classmates. I thought about all the times we've had together, both good and bad. I hadn't realized until tonight how far apart we have fallen. I recall a time where we were all friends and that we loved and cared about each other. I remember being super close with Evans, Alex, Nolan, Kelsey Lockaby, Kelsey Miller, Heather, Lesley, Danielle, Irenee, Catie Tanner, Callie Payne, Callie Dyer, Samantha, Brooke, Lindsey, Morgan Kelley, Morgan Bryson, and the list goes on, and on, and onnnnnnn.

I remember when I used to get texts every day from each of those people. Now, all we do is acknowledge each other (if even that...). It's sad to know that the people that mean the most to me are the same people I hardly even talk to.

That last statement was hard to make, because I still really love each of them very much. they have all touched and changed my life and I don't know what I would've done without them.

I recall times in kindergarten with Catie, Nolan and Samantha. We were inseparable. Then in 6th grade, Tyler, Kelsey Lockaby and I always played American Idol Trivia on Tyler's phone. And how could I forget the time that Heather, Savannah Demers and I prank called everyone in our 8th grade class... "We're calling about your order of Asian Midgets..."

Then in the summers, I spent sooo much time with Irenee and Callie Payne. And all those bon-fires with Danielle, Evans and Alex. Who could ever forget the time Evans picked his plate up out of the bon-fire, threw the burning plate to the ground, and then had to pick it up again to throw it back into the fire. Throwing Alex in the pool was another highlight of that night.

I'm so glad I have all these memories, but it saddens me to think that alot of this will never happen again... It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday! :/ I love you guys. More than you know.

Never Walk Alone

Shattered, broken pieces of a daughter's heart hit the floor one by one with every word yelled out of her father's mouth. Tears burned in her eyes as she tried to hide her emotions as her English teacher told her she was not suited for college and that she would go no where in life. Her heart ached when the ones she loved so dearly turned to other friends and hobbies and left her alone standing in the wind.

We have all seen ourselves in places like this before. We feel alone. Desperate for love from the people we love the most. Everything seems so much worse when everything hits you at once. Especially when you are trying harder than you ever have. It feels like the world is upon our shoulders and we have to prove everyone wrong. We just have to. Or at least that is how I feel when bad things happen.

I feel the need to show everyone that I am more than they think that I am. I have to show my family that I am more than the "black sheep" of the family who only cares about church, music, the Duggars and The Inspirations. I need to show my friends that I am not a Christian just because I am sheltered. I need to show my church that I intend to leave everything up to God, and that I don't care about their personal opinions when it comes to my faith.

The only problem is that I can't do these things.... alone. I can not show them that I am trying to be all God wants me to be when I feel like I'm walking alone. I personally believe that we weren't made to be isolated people. I believe that God made us all to be "People persons." That's why I think that God said He could walk with us where ever we go.

We are truly never alone. God is continually with us. He will NEVER let us walk alone. We may not feel His presence, but He is always with us. Praise God. That's the only thing that keeps me going some days.

Verses: "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also." John 14:18-19

Song: Never Walk Alone
By: Brian Free and Assurance

Never Walk Alone

Verse 1: Arms stretched out wide, barley hanging on to life

left to suffer on your own

You came for all man kind to bridge the great divide yet some how ended up alone

because of all the blood and tears you shed,

I will never know that kind of loneliness

chorus: You spirit never leaves me,

Verse 2:Even when I'm hurting

I don't have to bear that burden on my own

You carried all the pain and buried all the shame

When you made that rugged tree Your righteous home

Because of You I'll never walk alone.

You came here as a man, I know you understand

What it's like to walk these roads

though my problems don't compare to that crown you had to wear

still you take them as your own

because of all the blood and tears your shed,

I will never know that kind of loneliness.

chorus 2xs

Lord, because of you I'll never walk alone.

Trust and Obey!

Trust - (Noun) Firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something or (Verb) Believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of. Trust sounds like an easy thing to do, right? It should be, but often times, we find it hard to simply, TRUST someone. I know that many times I have trusted people that I shouldn't have. That's something that happens to all of us at one point of time or another. That is why it's so hard to trust people.

Trusting people is one thing, but trusting God, SHOULD be a completely different thing. Many times I find myself treating God like an unreliable friend. When I was debating on what college I wanted to attend, I prayed long and hard about where to apply. Well, God showed me Free Will Baptist Bible College in Nashville, Tennessee. That's a good ways away from home. I prayed about it, and sent in my application, and when I hit submit on the online application, I told God, if you want me to be here, let me get early acceptance, if you don't, please make them decline me!

Well, I got accepted, and I felt this peace come over me. I don't know how to explain it, but I felt like everything was going to be okay. Then came all the paper work. Man, there is alot of that! I started filling it out and got to thinking, well, can I trust the result I got? I started questioning God! I stopped trusting and started doubting! THAT'S when Satan charges at us!

We all (including myself) need to learn to Let Go and Let GOD! He's in control! Whether our answer is one we want to hear or not, we need to keep in mind that God knows the whole picture, while we see only a tiny glimpse. When we learn to TRUST God even in tough situations, we will be better off!

The challenge this week: To Trust and Obey!

Song: Trust and Obey

Trust and Obey

When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word, What a glory He sheds on our way! While we do His good will, He abides with us still, And with all who will trust and obey. Chorus: Trust and obey, for there’s no other way To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey. Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies, But His smile quickly drives it away; Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear, Can abide while we trust and obey. Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share, But our toil He doth richly repay; Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross, But is blessed if we trust and obey. But we never can prove the delights of His love Until all on the altar we lay; For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows, Are for them who will trust and obey. Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet, Or we’ll walk by His side in the way; What He says we will do, where He sends we will go; Never fear, only trust and obey.