The Struggle is a Blessing: A New Outlook on Infertility

So most of y'all know about my struggle with infertility. If you are my friend on Facebook, go to church with me or are friends with me in any capacity, you know how hard I've taken it. I have been broken. Broken beyond belief. I cried out to God and asked why. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? I tried to live by Your Word. I wasn't perfect, but I tried to live for You. I was made fun of for it, I wasn't popular in high school because of it, and now, it feels as if Your punishing me. 

I started to really search my heart when those thoughts consumed my prayers. I didn't want to be that way. I loved God, He's been so good to me, so I knew there had to be a reason behind this valley in my life. I searched my heart, prayed for guidance, and studied The Word, and what I found blew my mind.

It hit me one Sunday morning, like a ton of red bricks. I quickly opened my Bible and started turning to read about all of these great women of faith. 

First, I turned to Genesis to read about Sarah (Genesis chapters 12, 15, 16, 17, 18, and 21). The Bible said that Sarah was barren (Gen 11:31), and then it goes on to tell us that God told Abraham that he would make a great nation. Years pass and through the story, you see Abraham asking God and God promises Abraham children. Finally, we see in chapter 21, Sarah has a child, even though they thought they were too old to have children, God gave them Isaac. How awesome is that? Even after Sarah laughed at the thought of being old and having a child, God still gave her the desire of her heart! He even asked her in Genesis 18:14: "Is any thing too hard for the Lord?" My response, "NO! It's not!"

Then I thought of Rebekah, Isaac's wife (Gen 25). I'm certain Sarah and Abraham told Isaac the story of his miraculous conception, so I'm sure he knew that God could give Rebekah a child. He prayed to God on behalf of Rebekah. God came to her and told her she had two nations in her womb! And when it came time to deliver her miracle babies, sure enough she had twins! She names them Jacob and Esau. Rebekah went from being barren to having TWINS. God doubled her blessing.

The next woman that came to mind, was Rachel (Genesis 29:31, 30). I love the story of Rachel, and I often refer to her story when I'm having a hard time dealing with infertility. Rachel was Jacob's wife. She became barren, and then she became jealous of her sister, Leah, because she could have children. Rachel kept being faithful to her God and her husband, and God remembered her (my favorite part, Gen 30:22). She gave birth to Joseph and later, Benjamin. If we are faithful, God will remember us! That gives me so much hope!

You can't think of infertility without thinking about Hannah (1st Samuel 1). Hannah's story starts out by telling us that her womb was shut up by the Lord. She went though bitterness, and prayed until the Lord finally gave her what her heart so longed for: a man child. Hannah gave thanks for her son, Samuel, and gave him back to the Lord. How beautiful. The Lord gave her want she wanted more than anything, and she surrendered it all back to Him.

And the last woman I thought of was Elizabeth (Luke 1). Elizabeth was barren and old in age, but God put the fore runner of Christ in her womb, John the Baptist.

I came to one conclusion while studying these women and their infertility: God has a plan. I've heard all my life that God has a plan, and I believe it with my whole heart, but during this trying time, I just didn't understand why this was happening.

I read those passages and saw that there WAS a purpose for their infertility, although, I'm sure they didn't see that at the time. God used each of their children for a very specific purpose. He needed them to have the right children at the right time.

Every person has a specific calling in life, every child is precious, and every child is perfectly timed. As badly as I want a child, right now isn't the time for us. God has a greater calling for us and our child. I love knowing what's going on, why its happening, and when something will happen... Basically I want to control my life. This experience (I'm calling it an experience because I fully believe and hope that God is going to give Jonathan and I a beautiful baby, maybe even twins) has taught me to let go and let God. It sounds cliché, I know, but it's true. We spend so much time planning our lives right down to the last detail, that we forget that we are made for a bigger purpose. When someone gets pregnant unexpectedly, we all rejoice over the blessing God sent, but when God shuts up someone's womb, we ignore the major miracle God can preform!

I guess what it comes down to is this: things aren't going to go our way all the time, but will we still love God with everything within us? Will we trust that His timing is perfect? Or will we let bitterness and jealousy over take us? The choice is ours, and it's a daily battle. It's not going to be easy to let go and let God, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that it is worth it.

To my infertile sisters: I'm praying for you, the struggle is real and often ignored because it's an uncomfortable subject. Keep your faith!

To anyone who reads this that isn't infertile: you likely have someone in your life that IS infertile whether they say so or not, please don't make infertility a taboo subject. Encourage those you know who are unable to have children, all you have to do is tell them that you are praying for them (make sure you follow though). I know it's hard to understand something when you've never been through it, but literally the best thing you can do is hug them, pray for them and let them know you care.

“He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the Lord.” Psalms 113:9 KJV

Here's a link to a video that gets me every time. Love it. 

http://youtu.be/ARy_6iGIRNE

Struggling On Mother's Day: The Thoughts of The Childless

Everyone knows Mother's Day can be hard for some women. I learned this year just how hard it can be.

Can I be absolutely honest right now? I really don't think that I have ever cried as much as I did this past Sunday. I've never been hurt by well-meaning people as much as I was on Sunday. I've never felt so lonely in a church full of people. I've never felt as worthless as I did on Mother's Day 2015.

If you've never experienced infertility, then you probably think I am being dramatic, but if you've been in this dark valley before, you know that I'm not. 

When I woke up Sunday morning, I woke up with sadness in my heart. I knew what day it was: Mother's Day. I could barely drag myself out of bed. Only a few months prior to that day I had found out that my body wasn't functioning correctly, which meant that I couldn't get pregnant, at least not without the help of a specialist (and even that may not work).

I rolled out of bed, and went into the bathroom, and took a pregnancy test. During that long 3 minute wait, I prayed. I cried out to God, I told Him I would do whatever He asked of me. It didn't matter what it was, I would do it if He gave me a child. 

The three minutes were up.

The test was negative.

I got in the shower, and I cried.

When I started getting ready, Jonathan sweetly took me in his arms and told me that God is faithful and He won't leave us alone today, or any other day in this dark valley. I tried to receive his words, but I was too devistated. 

When we made it to church, I sat in the car and put on my make up, and as soon as I put my eye make up on, big ol' tears streamed down my face. I remember thinking, "Okay Katie, suck it up. No one wants to see your tears." I made it through Sunday school without tears, and I barely made it through choir singing without a melt down. But then it was time for me to direct the youth choir.

I stood in front of the kids as they sang "He Knows My Name." I was enjoying their beautiful voices when out of the corner of my eye, I saw our projector screen. It read: Happy Mother's Day. All of a sudden I felt violated. Directing the youth choir was my safe place. It's where I praised God, it's where I served God, it's where I forget that there is anyone other than me, God and a bunch of kids that I love. And what shows its ugly face while I'm up there? My faults, failures and insecurities. I looked at the youth and thought, "Will I ever get this? Will I ever get to be a mother?"

After choir, there was some more singing and Jonathan went down to pray, and I went with him. I don't know what he was praying for, but I do know what I was praying for. I prayed, "God I don't know why You have me in this valley. I don't know if You will give me children. I dont understand. Please help me get through this day. Please help me give this to You. Please help people to understand my tears."

Then came the part I had been dreading: the recognition of the mothers. The bitter part of me said, "They have children, we know who is a mother and who isn't. Why do they have to shove it down my throat that they have something I may never have?!" But then I thought of my mom and all that she has ever done for me, and immediately repented for my thoughts.

During this process, I was embarrassed, ashamed, and I just wanted to run out of the church house and never come back. I got home and cried so hard I almost made myself sick. I wanted to disappear. I felt alone and angry. I don't understand why something's were said or done, but I know they weren't from a bad place.

I told you how I felt on Mother's Day where I could ask this: where is the help in the church for the infertile? I'm not talking about any church in particular, but I am talking about THE church. I haven't ever heard a sermon on infertility. I understand that it makes people feel awkward; especially if they have never experienced it. Why is it okay to say hurtful things to people that are unable to conceive, but if I am a little snippy about pregnancies on one of my bad days, I'm overreacting? 

Every where I turn, there are insensitive things being said to me about my battle. Most days I try to remind myself they are just trying to help, and I pick up the pieces of my heart that shattered to the ground. Other days, I go home and cry myself to sleep. Mother's Day is one of the "other days". So can I, as an infertile woman of God, make a request? Next Mother's Day, after we honor our deserving mothers, can we gather around those who cannot stand at the front of the church on that day? Can we pray for those who have lost a child, or are unable to receive one? I told Jonathan that I would've felt blessed (and not embarrassed and ashamed) if they would've asked for the mothers to gather around the women that are infertile or suffered a loss of their child and pray for them instead of being called to the front as a public example of someone who will only get to take care of other women's children. Woman praying for other woman THAT will make Mother's Day encouraging for everyone and not *just* the mothers.

My Heart Whispers...

In a world where women are "free" to be and do as they would like, I have found that you can only "do as you please" if you do what the world finds acceptable. If you have a different opinion, then, you are judgmental and hateful.

The world cries for woman to dress how they want, only if you show skin or show your curves. If you are conservative in how you dress, then shame on you! You are the reason men view women as objects!

The world cries for marriage equality and that "love is love"! Everyone should have a right to marriage, unless you are a young, straight couple. Then you are stupid.

The world cries for tolerance towards other religions. Everyone needs to be treated with respect regardless of what they believe in. Oh, you're a Christian? Oh no, you can't pray in public or talk about your Lord because we don't agree with you.

The world cries for women to have a career that they love! No, that doesn't include staying at home to raise your children and care for the house while your husband works. You aren't your husband's slave!

You say this isn't true? Well guess again, because I have experienced all of the above, and then some. 

Being a 21 year old Christian who loves waiting on children and her husband isn't popular. At all. 

I was a 20 year old bride. I saved myself (right down to my first kiss) for my husband. I don't wear anything that reveals too much of my body out of respect for my husband. And I spend my free time serving God at my church. I have heard so many negative things about my life choice. A lot of the above apply. And as loud as the world yelled, it was hard to hear the still small voice telling me to trust Him.

Trusting God would be easy if you didn't have the screams of the world right in your ear telling you that you are wrong. There have been times when the world almost won. It would be so much easier to conform to the world, but then I am reminded that we are called to be different. We are not called to fit in!

The Bible says in 1st Peter 2:9 - But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a *peculiar people*; that he should show forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light;.

When I read this verse, it reminds me that the screams of the world are null and void. Those screams have no power over me, because I am a part of something much bigger. I am a Christian and a woman who loves God more than "fitting in".

I. Am. Precious.

The Bible also says - Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10.  

I never fully understood what it meant to be a "Proverbs 31 Woman" until today. I've read countless blogs about it, but never fully understood exactly what it was meaning; especially the verse I quoted. I have always thought that a virtuous woman was hard to find because she was so perfect that no woman could achieve to become one. Virtuous was impossible.

WRONG.

Being a virtuous woman is very much achievable. Virtuous means "high moral standards, chaste". So woman all have equal opportunity to be a virtuous woman, but the problem is that women choose to believe the lies the world tells us. We choose to believe that we have to be popular. We choose to conform instead of what God has called us to be.

Elisabeth Elliot once said, "The fact that I am a woman does not make me a different kind of Christian, but the fact that I am a Christian makes me a different kind of woman."

The world screams: "You are a woman, do what you want, wear what you want, say what you want!"

My heart whispers: "You are a woman of God, be meek. You are a woman of God, be kind. You are a woman of God, honor your husband. You are a woman of God, be obedient."

A Man Of God Shouldn't Act This Way...

Leaving your pastor's office, tears streaming and temper flaring. You look to your spouse and ask, “How could someone we trusted and loved do this? He is supposed to be leading us, he's supposed to love and care for God's people. A man of God shouldn't act this way.” I wonder how many church members have left their church feeling hurt. I wonder how many pastors have sent visitors and members running for the hills. I wonder how many of these Christians have spoke (or posted) words of anger.

I have a confession to make... I have talked badly about a Pastor before. If you are honest with yourself, you have too. It's something we all do. We're human, and there's nothing wrong with it, right? WRONG. Regardless of what the preacher or pastor has done to you or someone else, we are not to speak ill of ANY of God's anointed.

I know what you're thinking, “I need to tell everyone of the lies 'Pastor so and so' is spreading!” or “What he is doing is wrong, and I'm sure God wants us to tell others that he is a 'false prophet'.” I know you feel like you are doing what is right and fair. I was there before, too. But that is exactly what God doesn't want us to do.

Why do I think that? Well, God's Word tells us so.

“Saying, touch not mine anointed, and do my prophets no harm.” - 1^st Chronicles 16:22 KJV.

David even said that regardless of how far God's men has gotten from His Word, they are still God's anointed.

“Behold, this day thine eyes have seen how that the Lord had delivered thee to day into mine hand in the cave: and some bade me kill thee: but mine eye spared thee; and I said, I will not put forth mine hand against my lord; for his is the Lord's anointed.” 1^st Samuel 24:10 KJV.

Saul tried numerous times to kill David, but when David had an opportunity to kill Saul, he wasn't able to. Why? Because Saul was the Lord's anointed. God had called him. If God has called someone, it is not our job to bad mouth them whenever something happens. If David can't kill God's anointed after he had tried to murder David, why do we think we can bad mouth a preacher? We are doing much more bad than we are good when we choose that path.

I had this point brought up to me the other day: “If they are hurting enough people, then we should be questioning whether or not the person is truly called of God.”

That is a very good point, I have said the very same thing before, but the truth is, we aren't the authority that decides that. What if Israel had decided that David wasn't anointed or called of God? David had ruined lives and even KILLED a man. He had an affair with a woman and killed the man to whom she was married.

Can you imagine the world of hurt that David caused?

I can hear them now, “How could someone we trusted and loved do this? He is supposed to be leading us, he's supposed to love and care for God's people. A man of God shouldn't act this way.”

Sound familiar?

If a preacher is truly called of God, they will realize what they are doing is wrong, and repent. If a preacher isn't called of God, God will take care of it Himself. You don't need to tell people what's going on. If the preacher is out of God's will, or if he is, indeed, a false prophet, the congregation will recognize this if they stay in His Word. It is our job to pray for those preachers who has done us wrong, we are supposed to love them. God will take care of it all in the end. He doesn't want us worrying about it. He has our back, and He will take care of us.

“Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine, I will repay, saith the Lord.” Romans 12:19

Lessons From The Inspirations Part 8

Tonight was a wonderful night of singing and praising God. The Inspirations were in Blue Ridge and God paid us a visit too! I don't know why God shows me things through these men, but He does. The "lesson" tonight was a doosie.

Tonight was the first night that I bought an Inspiration CD without two of my three favorites on it. Jodi and David are gone. I had a REAL hard time buying this CD. Jon was still on it, but I knew it wouldn't be the same; and if you know me, you know that I am NOT a fan of change.

As I paid the money for the CD, and waited patiently in my seat awaiting my favorite quartet to take the stage, I caught myself thinking rather negative thoughts, such as: "Why am I doing this to myself? I know it's not going to be the same. Jodi's sweet tenor voice was the part I listen so intently to, and David's smooth lead voice is what tied everything together; NEITHER ONE OF THEM ARE HERE. Sure, Jon's here, but these new guys just won't cut it." (For those of you whom thought I could say nothing negative about the Inspirations, I, sadly, just proved you wrong.)

After these thoughts entered my head, the new lead started on one of my "David Ragan" songs... I was setting this poor man up for failure! But as I listened to him sing a David Classic, I thought, "Hey, he's not that bad, he's actually pretty good!" And then, God entered my mind.

God had to remind me of something tonight, something that I should have had in mind this whole time.

Groups change. "My Inspirations" won't always be "MY Inspirations." God has plans for each of them, and even though MY plan was for them to stay the same forever, it isn't GOD'S plan.

People change. Everyone grows, and learns and starts a new phase in life every day. I can't expect people to be the same from day to day! I, for one, have changed a lot over the course of a year. And I will continue to change as I begin the process of becoming a wife. Everyone will change. EVERYONE.

Situations change. However your life is today, it's going to change. If your life is bad today, don't worry, it WILL change, and if your life is good today.... hold on, because a storm is coming your way.

But you know what, God, He never changes. In a world full of change, we can hold on the promise that God will ALWAYS stay the same. God isn't going to forsake you. God isn't going to leave you hanging. God isn't going to leave you without an answer, and God will never, EVER leave you alone. He stood by, guided and held the people in the Bible, and if God never changes, He's going to do the same for you and me.

I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful that even when I mess up, even when I change and even when I do the right thing, God will ALWAYS love me. "He loves me, He loves me, Jesus loves me!"

Verse: Hebrews 13:8 " Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and to day, and for ever. "

PS The Inspirations are still my favorites! And they were amazing tonight!

We Will Sing!

I started this blog on my facebook status today. For those of you who didn't get a chance to see my status, don't worry! You'll be filled in by the end of this blog.

The idea for this blog came from a song that played on my Pandora Radio (Brian Free and Assurance Station) this morning. The song was "We Will Sing." I love this song. It is one of my favorite BF&A songs. It always makes me think of Heaven and how I will get to see my loved ones who are already with Jesus again.

But before I get ahead of myself, I need to fill you in on some stories.

I go to music school every summer. I absolutely love it there. I honestly think most of friends are people I know from music school. Two weeks out of the year, I get to spend all day and night with the people I love so dearly! We make the two weeks count, too. We always have so many memories to take home! The hardest part of music school is leaving. Although we keep in touch the best we can, and try to get together periodically throughout the year, life still manages the get in the way and we become too busy to talk on the phone every night, text or even Skype each other.

Another summer event in my life is the Carolina Mountain Youth Retreat. This is a church youth retreat that our church holds each summer. Even though this event is only a weekend long, I always manage to make some life-long friends. It's the only time of the year I get the opportunity to see my best friend, Breanna Lewis! The weekend that we spend together is full of laughter, fellowship and worship. It's one of my favorite times of year. I hate that it ends just as quickly as it started!

November 25 of 2010 and November 25 of 2011 were two dates that altered my life forever. 11/25/10, my best friend, Jessi Patrick, passed away from cancer. My world fell that night. I couldn't believe after all the prayers we prayed that the Lord decided to take her home. Then, exactly a year later, the Lord saw fit to take my Nana Nix from this Earth. She, also, had cancer. Although I miss them very much, I have the assurance, by their testimonies and by mine, that I will get to see them again! The best part is that they will be cancer-free! (:

In Africa, there lives a special girl. Her name is Corina Anne Spinizzola. Although we always fought and never saw eye to eye while she was in Blairsville, I miss her very much. Corina felt God leading her to Africa to be a missionary for Him. I have my days where I miss her a lot, but her absence is ALWAYS felt. I am praying for her, as should you!

May 25, 2012. Graduation Day. The day that my friends and I became 'adults' and would move on to college. So now, the friends that I've spent my whole life with, are all across the country.

And finally, this past week, two VERY important things happened.

First, I found out that the McGaha Family is moving back to the North Georgia area and are coming back to church. They moved when Gerald (the father of the family) accepted a Pastoral job HOURS away from Hayesville. Gerald, Sheila and their two boys, Jordan and Peyton, were a big part of my life. I spent all the time in the world with them. They were always there for me. So when I heard that they were moving back, I was super excited! I had missed them so much.

The second major thing that happened was that our church found out that our Associate Pastor, Randy, was going to be pastoring another church. He announced it Sunday night. I'm not gonna lie, I was upset. I love that family very much. I know I probably drive them crazy, but it is because I love them so much. They have always helped me, prayed for me and they have always made me laugh. Although I was upset, I knew that they had to go where God was leading.

As you can see, I have friends and loved ones who are spread all over the place.

There is a line in "We Will Sing" that says: we shed our tears from sad goodbyes, joy disappears as we search for reasons why. I always thought of death when it referred to sad goodbyes. But the older I get and more experiences I have, I realize that there are different types of sad goodbyes. There are goodbyes when we leave a summer camp or church retreat, deaths happen, graduations, and when people follow God's call.

Like with the McGahas, God may bring some people back into our lives, but others we may not get a chance to see again due to our busy lives. Which brings me to the next line in "We Will Sing": but glad reunion, oh what harmonies will blend. Better now than ever and the song will NEVER END!

While we're on Earth, we may be too busy or too far to get to see each other as much as we want, but one day, if you are saved by God's Grace, we WILL be together again. There will be no separation for eternity! The older I get, the more I long for that time. I am ready to go to Heaven and be with everyone I love forever! We will sing and worship God together! I am ready to sing the song that will never end!

We Will Sing

Brian Free and Assurance

 

There is a choir now being formed,
White robe attire with harps, and tambourines and horns
From every nation listening for the trumpets cue,
The only thing they're waiting for is me and you.

Chorus:
Then we will sing, yes, we will sing,
While tiers of angels gently fold their wings,
Bells will ring, we will cast our crowns before our LORD and King,
When death has lost its sting, we will sing

We shed our tears from sad goodbyes
Joy disappears as we search for reasons why
But glad reunions, oh, what harmony will blend
Better now than ever, and the song will never end.

Chorus

Tag:
Not one voice is trembling, no one will miss a note
No other song resembling, for it's a song redemption wrote.

Chorus

I Can't Keep From Singing!

This past weekend, I got the chance to spend the whole weekend with two of my best friends: Katie Duncan and Ashlee Gormer. Katie and I have been planning this weekend for at LEAST 3 years. When the weekend finally came, I was beyond excited! We had so much fun. We rode around Monroe, played Wal-Mart Bingo, danced to Payphone, and went to church. Katie and Ashlee go to Bible Baptist Church in Monroe, Ga. This is also the church that our music school teacher, Stephen Butler, holds the position of Choir Director. He had NO IDEA I was there, we were planning on surprising him. To be honest, I was surprised that we had kept this a secret! When we walked into our Sunday School room (he taught our class), he freaked out. I was so happy that he was happy to see me! haha. To some people, that would've been a horrible surprise.

I ended up staying til the night service and sang with Stephen and Ashlee. We sang Justin and Jason Myers' song "I Love To Sing." Man, they didn't know when they picked the song, but I needed to be reminded of that fact alone: I love to sing! We rocked it and then I had to head back to little ol' Blairsville shortly after.

While I was "on the road again," a song came on my iPod entitled: "Remind Me of The Cross" by Brian Free and Assurance. This song talks about whenever we feel like we need to complain, that God would bring the Cross back into our minds. Well, that Sunday afternoon, I took it a totally different way.

While listening to the song, all I could think about how truly blessed I am, and how much I don't deserve anything I have. My mind travelled through the weekend. I had so much fun and many memories were made. I just couldn't understand why Jesus would go through all that pain just so I could have blessings like Katie, Ashlee and Stephen (just to name a few of course). So, being the emotional person I am, I cried and prayed. I prayed for Katie and her family, Ashlee, Stephen, their church, and their choir. I prayed and cried until I had to look at my GPS on my phone.

Now that car ride home was an experience on it's own. God showed me so much in that car ride, but little did I know that I was gonna need that weekend later through the week.

This has been a trying week. We have no money. At all (the man daddy was working for wouldn't pay him...). I saw my daddy cry because he didn't know how we were gonna make it. I decided it would be better to go and work this semester instead of going to college to save for college and pay my way through and help the family. And today mom just told me that we may not be able to drive to Hayesville to go to our church anymore because we can't afford it. That was a hard blow.

After knowing most of this story, I just didn't know what to do. I texted Katie Duncan and told her most of what was going on, and she promised that she would be praying. After that conversation, I decided I was going to go to bed. I laid down and was listening to my iPod. I put it on shuffle and listened for a while.

I was about to take my headphones out of my ears and go to sleep when this song I had never heard came up. I looked at the song title and artist. It was "I Can't Keep From Singing" by Sisters. I decided to listen to it because I love Sisters and it seemed like a song I would like. The song talked about how they knew that life wasn't a bed of Roses but they couldn't help but sing because of all the things God has done in their lives.

As I laid listening, I thought about the weekend I just had (before I knew all about the stuff at home). It was the BEST. I knew God had orchestrated the whole weekend to remind me that He loves me. Even if I am going through a valley, I still have a song to sing (which reminds me of another Brian Free and Assurance song)! Everything will work out the way it's supposed to, but until then, I have my family, my friends, my music school family and church to lean on. "I can't keep from singin', dancin', gotta tell the world about the freedom that I've found!"